Barnabas Collins, a curious character really. Contrary to the critics critique, I rather enjoyed watching the movie “Dark Shadows”. I found the humour dark and often quite cruel. But what perhaps really appealed to me was how he referred to the McDonalds board as the devil and employed the term “curious terrain” to describe a tar road besides calling the headlights of a car as the eyes of the Devil. In 196 years, Collinsport had simply changed, all of it. His loathsome attitude towards the witch, Angelique changed into one of lust as they indulged in rather disturbing intercourse and just when one assumed that Barnabas was ready to reciprocate Angelique’s love, his attitude reverted to one of hate yet again. Even a vampire, an immortal soul, the one constant in a population of mortals was a victim of change, both within and without.

From my personal experience, I have realized it is a futile effort to fight change. Changes in the outside and changes on the inside. Change has a mind of its own. It neither listens to you or to the world. It is a phenomenon outside of our purview or authority. Not to say that change is productive at all times. Heck, it could be just as bad, as perhaps good. But we are not at liberty to question it or challenge the notion. Those who find stability in this melting pot of chaos render themselves unique for their victory. Yet the Buddhas are a minority and for the rest of us, it seems are helpless as we live in a world akin to the matrix, referred to otherwise as Maya.

I often ask myself where I would be without change. Perhaps an infant all my life giving the diaper manufacturers infinite happiness and life would have been simple. At a later phase as a child without fear for whom right is right and wrong is wrong, never shying away from a fight notwithstanding if the opponent is a 10 year old or a 18 year old; always emerging victorious. Still forward, much more tempered and battling allegations of mediocrity based on skepticism. Or perhaps an adolescent all my life with uncontrollable temper and the voice so audible, it turned neighbours deaf. Or perhaps what if I remained who I was in college, without anger and succumbing to allegations of mediocrity, refusing to fight the skeptics and trying to find substance for the first time. Or what if I remain as I am now forever? Unsettled in my mind, but no longer bothered about mediocrity or the skeptics, incapable of society and inclined towards endless solitude when not at work. Without change, I dread my life.

Change to me represents an opportunity to put an end to all the bad. Yes one may lose good too, as perhaps I may have. But it is interesting for a while and perhaps at the end of the journey lies the chance to meet someone I have been longing to meet forever now, myself. In the whole process of trial and error, that may be the one constant goal which I will never stop pursuing.

For the take of other LBC members on the same topic, please visit the links below

Delirious, gaelikaa, Grannymar, Magpie, Maria SF, Ramana sir, Padmum, Paul, Rohit, The Old Fossil, Maxi and Will

The mind is a monkey high on pot or alchohol or a concoction involving both. Desires instigate obsession up to the point where they are realized and suddenly they seem like the pointless pursuits on the planet. Setbacks and difficulties, so overbearing and difficult to endure seem surprisingly silly once after having overcome them. One moment we are happy and when it prolongs too long, it becomes boring at which time it is substituted by an emotion which counterbalances the happiness. The hormones, ever so closely associated with moods, represent the most cruel prank the maker plays on mankind, more so when seen from the point of view of social mores and customs. Instinct v. socially expected standards of behaviour, ladies and gentlemen, is the most difficult predicament to solve and I am no stranger to this precarious situation, many men find themselves in and ever so often too.

My journey in the path of growth has been non linear by many standards. Most blokes grow from confusion to clarity I suppose. I, on the other hand took an entirely different path. From the turbulent memories of adolescence, I thought I had found stability and balance in college, only to have the notion shattered when faced with the requirements of adulthood. I found, that while I enjoyed independence, it was difficult to achieve causing much pain and claiming many sacrifices. I thought that I was capable of responsibilities, of social existence and could tangibly contemplate a life of companionship. But drawing ahead, I have grown to stalk solitude, even being obsessed with it to the point where I can’t seem to enjoy society as much as I find myself drawn to staying alone. I am well aware of the unsustainable nature of such existence and cannot even discount the possibility of change, even perhaps hoping for it. But then, for better or for worse best I acknowledge its existence than go on to commit to something I cannot deliver.

Faced with the sudden demise of a dear one last September, the grief was overwhelming, broke all dams of restraint and flowed in all its glory. Yet only a day or two past the tragic event, I had, seemingly returned to work, never shed a tear thereafter and was left only with a frequent feeling of heaviness in my chest, that goes away as quickly as it comes. I have gained new found appreciation for a few things and let go of somethings which I suspect, I will regret later on. But in general, having been acquainted with the volatile nature of my moods, what I am certain of is uncertainty. Unfortunately unlike one’s job, pretending or forcing oneself to adopt a certain mood, especially in the context of one’s personal life, does more harm than good, especially so when we talk about one’s relationships with friends, family, etc. Honesty while hurtful is also necessary, to prevent greater harm at a later stage. Therefore, I have for now, in the interest of myself and those around me chosen to tread with caution and with greater awareness. I may not avoid mistakes going ahead, but I most certainly do not wish to take down anyone else with me.

For the take of other LBC members on the same topic, please visit the links below

Delirious, gaelikaa, Grannymar, Magpie, Maria SF, Ramana sir, Padmum, Paul, Rohit, The Old Fossil, Maxi and Will

4 days later and just a day past yesterday, the void has hit harder than ever. Guilt has come in such big waves that I am not so sure if I can ever see the light of normalcy anytime soon. A part of me doesn’t even want the guilt to go away for it will serve me a reminder everytime I start something which I am incapable of seeing through.

The bout of sorrow which I am currently experiencing is not a surge, like what I experienced when my grandfather passed away. This is more like a strange lingering sensation, not too overwhelming but always there. It doesn’t come out nor does it just move away. It is just there on the twilight zone. It is a little like a sneeze that doesn’t really happen. You are on the verge of sneezing and just like that it goes away, like a cruel prank your body plays on you.

I wish sorry could do it, could make things better; but I know it won’t. I keep asking myself how I can make this better, how I can make up for it all and I don’t seem to get an answer. I realise however what I have put the other person through when I myself was at the receiving end of similar pattern of behaviour and good grief, it was wrong. This sure isn’t a pleasant feeling but I shudder to even think if I deserve better, for the blunt answer right now is no.

Human beings have a tremendous capacity at self destruction. I am no exception to the rule. Yet when the repercussions of this talent reach those who are perfectly innocent and entirely blameless, it is not so easy to dismiss the endeavor towards self destruction as just another experience.

I have taken steps that place me multiple steps behind in the road to wisdom. In other words I am back to square one. The decision was not easy nor was it supposed to be. If I had to do justice to fairness, then it necessarily had to be a difficult decision to make, one which drove a knife through my conscience. The only solace was that my own sense of self-preservation was severely critical of my decision to revert back to loneliness, sparing no effort in reminding me of the social nature of my existence; of my inherent needs as a human being and of course just how counter productive all of it would be to the above traits inseparable from my existence.

But self awareness brought me face to face with my own inadequacies and also with the lack of certain critical finer feelings necessary to form lasting bonds. The sheer lack of depression or the conspicuous effectiveness at work in spite of the rather turbulent decision, leave no doubt in my mind that my decision is in the best interest of all that I care about. All I seem to have with me now is distinct feeling of emptiness, brought about by a sudden violent change of circumstances. The lack of patience and the violence at which my tongue fabricates humor, are perhaps corollaries of this emptiness. Where this path leads, I have no idea but I sense its not a pleasant one.

When I view my children and all that they can achieve when they reach their adulthood, I am consoled to some extent. In effect, these ventures have taken away or suppressed a part of me which could have seen some semblances of normalcy. But they remind me of all the happiness and gratification they have to offer to my soul and the sacrifice albeit an expensive one, seems entirely worth it. Plus holding on to something which I couldn’t give the necessary time or effort into would hardly be fair. In hindsight, I am convinced it was the right thing to do……

On a personal note, I may not be vocal in my appreciation or effective at complimenting, but the respect and care that I have to offer for people close to me is both apparent and infinite. Where maturity is present, recovery and moving on are not difficult exercises. The effect is that of a different and almost unique dynamic where true thoughts are respected and allowed to develop into their natural evolution. I am so genuinely grateful and appreciative of all the memmories and all that the future has to hold that words are not sufficient to express them sufficiently. It takes courage to not be bitter and strength to forgive, a trait even I am not too familiar with. For those who have reached that spot, you serve to be a valuable role model.

 I often pondered what the end was going to be…..had imagined it, but never knew it was this difficult. Each and every step so agonizingly difficult to take, unable to think straight with the body increasingly telling you to give up, the sight of dark liquid oozing out of the stomach, tremors from my foot dropping on the ground too overwhelming for the senses, a rapidly occurring sense of nausea and skewed vision…. Once you begin walking the path, there is no going back, you just want the feeling to end, one way or the other…..

 I often ask myself how I got to be where I am. Am I proud of who I have become? Most certainly not. Tracing my steps back to zero hour, watching the joy on my mother’s face the first time she saw me to the soon to follow incessant fights with my father, which even in my final moments was entirely his fault. The constant need for support from my mother as against allegations of being useless and not finding it….there is no doubt about it, I have come to be a very cynical and negative man. Needless to say it looks like I am going to die as that man too.

I look back at all that in gratitude for it led me to my choice for a profession. Being deprived of a name, asked to give up all known beliefs to enter into a world where there are no absolutes, taught to look at every human being as an enemy or an asset to be used and discarded when drained. Why did I not see back then that this is who I would turn out to be? In hindsight, perhaps I have her to blame for my lack of foresight. Well, what do you know I can rhyme even towards the end? Always the poet.

Anyways, there she was giving me some of the most beautiful moments of my life. Her body, her mind, her smile and just her being; this was but a gift from the Divine perhaps an offering in view of my impending violent death. Marvellous times too, loved every bit of it. And then for whatever reason, my dark passenger took over convincing me that with my gifts, there is a calling which I need to answer, one where she will have no place. My mind danced around in thoughts placing me in her mercy at times and then placing me in an entirely different spot where I was arrogant enough to believe that I could reach this moment, today, now happily and without regret. How wrong I was……….

Yet I think, no matter how I would have things differently, it would have still resulted in today. There is no point dancing around to an alternate fiction. Best to accept what one deserves. I deserve this, heck I was waiting for this. It would work for her as well. For too long I have walked it alone left with no one to indulge my humanity which I have suppressed to the point where I feel completely dead, pun intended. I am tired and I am weak. She would still come if I called, that’s just how good she is. But she better stay the hell away! I didn’t deserve her, but I deserve this…I have earned this…………………

For the take of other LBC members on the same topic, please visit the links below

Delirious, gaelikaa, Grannymar, Magpie, Maria SF, Ramana sir, Padmum, Paul, Rohit, The Old Fossil and Will

The hostage, the Captain of the Maersk Alabama, was held by one pirate who was busy negotiating with the Captain of the ship which was tailing his boat. The calm soothing winds of the Gulf of Aden was a welcome relief compared to the humid afternoons. But for the three men lying down on the perch of the destroyer next to the boat, the wind was just a factor, among others such as humidity, distance to target and well, even the rotation of the earth. The hatchet on the target boat opened and two heads popped up, the third head still pointing an A.K. 47 at the hostage. It was nor or never. Yes there was the lack of light not to mention the constant rocking of the target boat due to swells in the sea. It may have intimidated any other sharp shooters, but not these three who calmly went about overcoming these variables. Three shots, sounding like the sneezing of babies rang out, indicative of the shots being fired out of the P.S.G-1 sniper rifle. The hostage could not explain why three of his tormentors just dropped like a pack of cards, but for the snipers, it was just another day and just another kill……..

Forgive my bad narration, but the above is not a work of fiction. I am describing the operation which freed Captain Philips of the Maersk Alabama on the 12^th of April, 2009 in the Gulf of Aden.

For as long as I remember, special forces fascinate me. I took to krav maga because it is taught to Sayaret Metkel whose fan I became when they freed hostages from Entebe International Airport in Uganda. A shout out for CIA’s special activities division for the legendary stories that go about how they ended up bagging Osama for the USA and possibly for the world. Our own MARCOS and NSG for operating under tremendous constraints unknown to most well established commando forces, yet securing results under impossible circumstances. Soldiers of the civilised world especially the Green Berets and the Special Forces represent the optimum human being, the ideal person physically and mentally capable of overcoming any challenge. To me, ladies and gentlemen, they do not just symbolise effectiveness, they are effectiveness. (http://www.americanspecialops.com/operations/navy-seals-pirates/)

What makes them who they are is perhaps will and training. I am a believer of the power of human mind. When we set out to overcome constraints and we take our mind into confidence in this pursuit, there is, I believe very little we cannot achieve. In this road, however, I see that laziness is our biggest problem. We give up too easily and too soon. For being effective, it is not superhuman strength or intelligence which is required, it is simply the will to meet our goals no matter what. It is not an easy path, but I believe it is the only way.

Personally I believe in engaging myself with different activities to earn skill set which I can apply in my own sphere of activity. Theatre helped me become a better speaker by providing the requisite skills to make an impact. The lessons I apply in the courts of law learnt from theatre have proved invaluable. Krav Maga has infused a sense of confidence I haven’t experienced in a really long time. I now walk outside and face situations from a sense of calm which has brought about wonderful changes. Exercise keeps me active and writing keeps me grounded. What has made me come closer to being effective is perhaps my curiosity to continuously learn from everything and everybody.

The measure of effectiveness is validation from the inner most corners of one’s conscience that one has done justice to what one had set out to do. It is not how your peers rate you or if you customers or clients approve. I have noticed people being generous with criticism but hardly so when it comes to compliments. If the outsider’s opinion is still relevant for one to understand one’s own effectiveness, then the journey is half complete. To be truly effective, one’s confidence must not only stem from one’s self-assessment but that self-assessment must also be unbiased and objective. Tricky ain’t it? Perhaps the grand old man can provide some insight, eh?

For the take of other LBC members on the same topic, please visit the links below

Delirious, gaelikaa, Grannymar, Magpie, Maria SF, Ramana sir, Padmum, Paul, Rohit, The Old Fossil and Will

An inadequacy in one’s understanding of the present presupposes the concept of waiting. I As a child, I constantly found myself annoyed at the present. So much of my life was controlled that I waited for the day when I could break out and be independent. I had to explain why I didn’t want to go to school, why I wanted to play instead of studying, why I couldn’t score in subjects I despised. The sheer lack of independence and freedom made we wait and wait for adulthood.

Having reached adulthood, I still wait for a break. I am in that phase where I am beginning to understand my own values on everything ranging from food habits to my work to romance, relationships and sex. My attitude is largely that of a “to each his own” and invariably this is in conflict with the highly judgemental atmosphere I live in. There are times when I wait for an occasion or an opportunity to move far away and start my life from scratch, new people, new places, a new job, new language, new food, etc and just totally forget the past 22 years. But I realise the futility of “this grass is greener on the other side” attitude. Given its inherently relative nature, it is bound to be an endless loop of disappointment.

There are ups and downs everyday. It is an inevitable part of my life, it is an inevitable part of everyone’s life. Embracing this rather than waiting for a perfect world is the right way to go about it I suppose. I don’t know, just another confused young adult speaking here. I guess wisdom is another thing that I am waiting for.

For the take of other LBC members on the same topic, please visit the links below

Delirious, gaelikaa, Grannymar, Magpie, Maria SF, Ramana, Padmum, Paul, Rohit, The Old Fossil and Will

At the outset, good to be back after the short sabbatical.

I fill many roles in my life. All of us do. We continuously change roles from morning to night which includes waking up as an individual, getting ready to become a professional (which includes housewives who hold the most challenging job if you ask me), becoming a professional and then retiring back into an individual. It is a maddening process from morning to evening where one is expected to constantly adapt oneself to meet the needs of the day, all in a mad race to,

1. Convince the folks at home that one is responsible, caring and loving

2. Convince folks at work that one is professional, committed to quality and possesses integrity.

The irony is that in all of this, we are continuously struggling to create illusions for we are continuously convincing the folks at work and at home to develop a certain perception about us. This perception is an interpretation or an understanding of what the senses pick up. The sight, the feel, the smell and the sounds are meaningless without our minds perceiving them in a certain way. I suppose in many ways, we are constantly fooling ourselves.

In the past few weeks, I have felt dead inside. Events meant to inspire either happiness or grief have failed miserably in their attempt. A state of “being thick skinned” has descended upon me. I have stopped trying to convince skeptics nor do I feel bad at the constant attempts to undermine me. This is perhaps because life goes on irrespective of whether they are true or not in their opinions. I have neither felt great joy at some of the positive developments nor have I felt grief or regret at some of the “setbacks” which has come my way due to the triumph of jealousy or plain pettiness. I attribute this attitude to the very nature of destiny which can give or take away the good things for no apparent reason.

Instead I have come to love some of the smaller things. Watching my 6 months old nephew cry in excitement at the mere sight of people, a good meal or the best of all, the feeling of peace I get when I go to sleep at night, the pleasure of having to give up the luxuries due to the very nature of my business, which I was earlier privy to thanks to parental support, etc. I am not too sure how long this phase will exist, but I kind of like it. It is the closest I have been to feeling happy to simply be.

Needless to say, in the face of the above, people’s perceptions about me have come to mean nothing. I find it a wasteful exercise to burden myself with the perception of others. I would rather prefer things this way. Its a good feeling

For the take of other LBC members on the same topic, please visit the links below

Delirious, gaelikaa, Grannymar, Magpie, Maria SF, Ramana, Padmum, Paul, Rohit, The Old Fossil and Will

“Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of them all” or so the queen asks her magic mirror every day in the story of “Snow White”. The depiction of the queen as an authoritative evil woman in complete control of herself and all that she wishes to unleash does not, in my opinion, adequately capture her character. In fact, the queen’s reliance upon a mirror to tell her that she is still the fairest one of them all depicts how lonely the queen was in her mind and what a dark place she had trapped herself in. Snow White got along with the 7 dwarfs, found a prince charming and her worst phase was a nap that the apple forced her into. The Queen had loneliness, guilt of killing Snow White’s dad and the constant need for assurance from a mirror going for her. No wonder she couldn’t stand snow white…

Make no mistake, I have always been a fan of looking inwards. Its perhaps one of the many reasons why Buddhism and particularly zen Buddhist principles appeal to me so much. But in recent times, I have grown to understand that being consumed by yourself is different from looking inwards. In less than a year of entering into a profession, I have seen a downwards decline of my spiritual values as I climbed the steps of professional wisdom. In return for running my own show, working on my terms and generally walk the path I wanted to walk, I have sacrifised many things but the worst being a part of myself which I had built over 6 years following my graduation from high school.

Growing up, I learnt about the dangers of expectations when they continuously betrayed me. Going forward I had to some extent reached a point where the approval or disapproval of people hardly mattered. But now when people attribute shallow motives behind the soul, blood and sweat I am investing into my work, it pinches really hard. I am tempted, as I write, to rebut this allegation of money lust and reiterate what draws me to my work. But wisdom and dignity dictate otherwise and my conscience persuades me to remain silent.

There are often times when I feel bound and suffocated knowing that an inevitable part of social living is that you are answerable, if not entirely, atleast to some extent, to your loved ones. I have always consciously attempted to never hurt anyone, although I am sure I have failed more often than I have succeeded for which I am sincerely apologetic. My diplomacy in part, is a natural corollary of my profession but there is also that other part which feels miserable seeing a look of disappointment or hurt on someone else. But as taxing as it is to not cause hurt to someone, knowing that you may be doing so in avoiding the discomfort of confrontation is an even bigger burden to live with. Between a selfish need for love and an unrelenting voice which tells you that you deserve none, taking a decision is difficult. The potential loss that I forsee hurts so bad, yet the status quo leaves so much guilt that it makes sleep difficult.

Perhaps the slap on the wrist from a friend (which felt more like a kick to the groin) was a harsh reminder of the truth about what I have become. This is perhaps why it has left such a profound impact upon my psyche. But the stupid child in me feels wronged, insulted and wishes to cut off all ties and curl up into the comforts of my solitude. My position perhaps is akin, regrettably and not identically, to that of Howard Wolowitz from Big Bang Theory when Penny tells him that he is going to die alone, only that in my case, the promise of crude flirtations with the opposite sex hardly serves as a solution.

In the days to come, I anticipate that a difficult yet necessary decision will have to be taken. In the midst of this chaos, there is only but one person who deserves to suffer from the lack of clarity and equanimity. No one else can be the victim and what I will have to do to achieve this, irrespective of its outcome, comes from bona fide intentions. The right thing to do is not always the easy thing and I have a feeling that I may end up regretting the course which things may eventually take, although I am hopeful it will end in the general welfare of what I have come to deeply care for. But having taken a good look into the mirror for approval and failed in the last attempt, certain beautiful things which have come my way may very well have to go if they are to remain as such and happy. Yes I will regret it, but then it is a lesson I will perhaps learn only the hard way. More than ever before, I hope that my prayers for being punished for my intentional mistakes are answered. But for all that I can logically think, letting go seems impossible and there is a part of me which will forever remain attached to those times and memories.

“I’ve witnessed first hand the power of ideas, I’ve seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them… but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it… ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love”- Evey Hammond, V for Vendetta

“Always short of em”- was the first thoughts to enter my head when I heard about the topic for this week. Although perhaps a victim of intellectual poverty to some extent, I have come to have enormous respect for ideas in general. As lawyers, we are forced to get that blob underneath our skulls to work overtime and the results, sometimes though not often, amaze us. To me, ideas are everlasting, indefatigable and indestructible. Ideas have the potential to always be unique. Even within the context of the Loose Blogger’s Consortium, when I see the distinct ideas each writer has towards the same topic, it occurs to me that the LBC posts are a testament to the ingenuity of the human mind. For me, the way forward for any society is to create an atmosphere of ideas to be expressed freely, without fear or worry, so that the best solutions emerge.

Unfortunately though, we have a culture of disrespect and hostility towards ideas, especially ones that challenge conventionally accepted beliefs. As a point of illustration, the caste prejudices prevailing in the country has often been identified as the reason why conversions to other religions, specifically christianity and Buddhism are on the rise. This should logically end in a situation, where once converted, the convertees abandon adherence to the caste system. However, as a recent documentary by Headlines Today on Goa illustrated, even amongst the converted populations, there is still caste based issues. The idea of homogeneity stands little or no chance against the well established perceptions of the caste system.

Perhaps parallel to the above illustration is the way we react to science and reality. We have a rather uncanny ability at denial. “Scientific studies show that consumption of red wine in moderate quantities helps cut cholestrol”. In response, our traditionalists will respond saying that the study is a work of the devil to lead pure Brahmins away from their chaste path. So much is our ignorance that these days, even scientific terms afforded to various parts of male and female anatomy are censored. In today’s episode of the widely popular  ”Friends”, the term “vagina” (which is neither slang nor derogatory but used widely by medical professionals, specifically gynecologists) was censored into silence. Additionally, I have noticed that references to the terms “nipples”, “breasts” and also “penis” (all conventionally accepted words in the English dictionary, used by medical professionals and scientific personnel widely) have found their way enforced silence thanks to censorship in various sitcoms including “The Big Bang Theory”, “Shield”, etc., In summary, the words prescribed by English and Science used to educate us about the differences between men and women are a source of great shame, so much so that we would rather silence these terms out. I shudder to think what would happen if the movie “The Departed” were to be subjected to similar standards of scrutiny. I believe, then that we would have the first silent movie in modern times. No wonder downloading of pirated versions of these sitcoms are so rampant in this country.

Essentially, we seem to have a problem with ideas in general. The genesis of this problem against ideas, notwithstanding where this problem exists, is the illusion of perfection which we are addicted to. What we saw with the Lokpal Bill, which met its death at the midnight, was essentially a bunch of parliamentarians who are averse to the expression of ideas. Chidambaram, Kapil Sibal and the genius who tore the copy of the Lokpal Bill in Parliament are essentially a representation of our own indifference to the ideas offered by others. Yet the fight against ideas always ends in defeat. This is a lesson the Britishers learnt from us in the form of the events that led to August 15th 1947, it is the lesson that Mubarak learn in Egypt and what Gadaffi learnt in Libya.

To end, I quote a dialogue from V for Vendetta which is an all time favourite of mine,

“Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof”

For the take of other LBC members on the same topic, please visit the links below

Rummuser, Conrad, Delirious, gaelikaa, Grannymar,Magpie, Maria, SF, Padmum,Paul, Rohit and Will